It has been a long time since I got one comment concerning my blog. I got a suggestion I should write something about dating. It is really challenging subject. Back in time I found it hard to find dates who could have been interested about fetishes or with whom could be discussed about fetishism properly. And if one could be found it was always hard to match other subjects like everyday life, family expections and seriousness of relationship. It could have been easy to find company but fetishism was always quite a taboo. I'd love to see that fetishism could be discussed properly without needs of shame or hiding.
And so my first advice is: Tell about your fetishism in early stage of your possible relationship. Later it will become harder and if the subject is critical it can destroy the relationship that has otherwise been really great.
But lets dig deeper into dating. Here are my thoughts.
Some options for dating:
- FetLife: FetLife is a "Facebook" made for kinky people. It is based on user profiles with photos and personal descriptions. There isn't actually an option for dating available. But FetLife is still quite good channel to get known with others. You can do it by reading forums, searching your favourite topics, following user profiles and making conversations with interesting users.
- Tinder: Despite it's shallow side on concentrating to people appearances Tinder is still widely used service and popular among different people. It could be one option to look for a date. If you wish to find someone with similar interests you have to admit that your first picture should be something that would draw attention. Whether you wish to do this by smiling face selfie or whole-body photo with your favourite clothes it's up to you. But remember that swiping "no" is easy. With nice photo you get interest. After that those who are really looking something will look for your profile text. I encourage kinky people to mention something about their sexuality with bold style and without shame. Some people may reject you but I believe that if you don't tell about your kinky sides (at least after first or second date if not in profile) they will come even worse thing later. And, chances are that you will find someone with similar interests who is willing to accept your side. Coming back to Tinder itself, it is after all very easy to use and quite popular.
- VanillaUmbrella: I have heard about this app but I have zero experiences with it. You may find more info about it with Google.
- OKCupid: Few years back this service was my top choice. It is international so there might not be as many users from your country but its options are very wide. I found out that OKCupid was very sympathetic to sexual minorities. I could find even dating profiles from my country with open mentions about kinky sexuality on them. But still all profiles were appropriate and suitable for everyone. I really liked this service as it felt there were more open-minded and honest people than on many other dating services. Maybe OKCupid is still a good channel? You can find it out.
- BDSM-Baari (Finland + finnish language): This discussion forum is really great option for finnish people. Forum has been around for years now and is well known within finnish kinky people. There are plenty on discussions, topics, blog entries, columns, photos and possibility to chat or send private messages too. There has been a topic for date searches and there has been some users putting in notes. I haven't used this forum topic in years now but few years back it was a really good channel. Of course there wasn't plenty of messaging or answers but we should remember that this forum isn't primarily a date channel. But those discussions I had there were really nice and I knew from the start that I was discussing with people who could understand fetishes and kinks and wouldn't judge others about them. I warmly recommend to finnish people in need of understanding and proper dates (and friends too!) to check out BDSM-Baari -forum.
My tips and hints for dating and profiles:
- Be aware and be alert. Even though most of the kinky people are appropriate and well-behaving you can never be sure who are you talking or meeting with. You can never know if the profile you are chatting with is even a same or a real person. Be careful especially on the internet. Never say anything or post any photos you may regret later. Of course you can, and actually have, to share something about yourself in order to make new acquaintances but focus on the proper content. To mention one thing more: There can be fake profiles at every service. Whether you are kinky or vanilla.
- Be more than just a selfie - Honestly, we all want just pictures. Which is easy to understand as looks are very important. But be more than just your looks. Photos are important but beside that you should tell something about yourself.
- Make your dating profile realistic and give something from yourself to the others. Nobody likes fake people or ones who try to seem better than they really are. The growing trend everywhere is to be realistic and original. So be yourself, proudly and with courage. Show yourself as you are and tell about yourself in a way that could find people who value your important sides. This doesn't mean that you should post your photo or your sensitive sides to forums. But keep in mind what kind of date search would interest yourself. Isn't it often a profile with a photo or some information that really catches you?
- Be active, but not too active. Go through others dating profiles and look for people to have a chat with. If you find anyone who interests you don't hesitate to write something. But never start with just "hello" or with something rude. It is consuming but if you wish others to reply you just have to write your messages personally to others and try to open a conversation with at least few good sentences. Be active yourself but don't be too active. If you get hooked with checking your dating sites many times in an hour you will just get depressed. Dating takes time, sometimes a lot of time. Try to do something else than stare at your phone and think repeatedly that why aren't you getting any interest.
- Respect others and answer to them - Especially if you are not interested of someone who sent you a message you can be polite and just say that person isn't your type. Despite writing or getting rejection always be polite! And life just goes on.
- Man - You will most likely get too few messages or replys. It is somehow that way that men have to do the hard work. Prepare yourself for plausible long times with trying to find company. Nevertheless, maintain proper behaviour. Always be polite. Always write with care and thought. And never get disappointed if you don't get answers. Just forget the past and keep going on. Keep the image of men nice and friendly!
- Woman - You will most likely get too much messages and even some inappropriate messages. Try to handle this. You don't have to answer every message but my request as a man is that try to answer at least to messages which are written personally and in a proper way. It makes you look mean if you are searching a date but don't answer to someone who really tries hard. But it's obvious that you can ignore inappropriate messages if you get any. Following, it isn't a mandatory that men have to start chatting every time. If you find someone that catches your interest you can be the one who breaks the ice. Be relaxed and original - Be you!
- Other genders - You will most likely get inappropriate messages but don't give up! You have your rights nowadays and I do believe that old man-woman -share of people is still growing more to understanding and accepting other genders. Majority of people still searches men or women but I've seen many happy relationships involving other genders too. Just keep your dignity all the time, ignore any inappropriate messaging and remain determined with what kind of relationship you really wish for.
- Don't get frustrated. Like Phil Collins sings: "You can't hurry love. No, you just have to wait". When trying to find company with similar interests and especially with same interests in kinky sides it can take a long time to find any matches. But we should always remember that those who are polite and can wait patiently are often rewarded. It may also need luck but those who get frustrated will drive people away.
- Try to arrange a date in real life after some chatting. This is important. If you get stuck with neverending internet chat it only takes your time and energy and never leads to anything. Be brave and go out. Meet people in real life and realize how they actually are outside internet illusions. Many of us have a habit to make our profiles as good as possible. Sometimes profiles are even utopian and unreal. If someone keeps you chatting but is never willing to move forward I advice to leave and to concentrate to others. I know this myself as there were times when I was stuck with one way messaging and only got depressed while getting cold shoulder. Find someone better!
- Arrange your first date at a public place. This is a good way to ensure your security in case if you doubt anything or feel unsecure. At a public place like city and cafes you are safe and can date people without pressures. After some meeting you can decide if another person can be trusted and you may move forward.
- Don't conceal or be ashamed of your sexuality. If you do so it is highly plausible to bring you problems in your possible relationship. I advice to be open with your fetishes or kinks and mention about them at the very start or in your profile. This way you make things clear from the beginning and they won't be a major challenge later. Also when you discuss about these matters with others be self-confident and don't dither. If you are ashamed or hesitate with speaking it most definitely makes you look like you aren't ok with yourself and other person may feel uncomfortable or even unsecure. So, be honest and discuss properly. Show that you are "whole" and your important things and sides are included into package (yourself).
- Be calm and patient and don't obtrude or push your fetishes to others. Your kinky side is yours and if other person wants to know more about them he/she will ask about them or show interest in listening. Of course the understanding and discussion are needed but be sure that you don't create any negative pressure about the subjects or be too pushy.
- Expect answers from your date after a while (or maybe even right away). If your date doesn't want to hear anything about your important things after several dates you have to estimate if your date want's to know anything about them at all. If you doubt that your fetishes or kinks are too much to your date you should ask it kindly but straight. If you need a partner who can share your fetishes or kinks I advice you not to get stuck with endless wishing for understanding. Find this understanding from the very start and find a person who shows that he/she cares about you.
- Don't expect your date to be 100% compatible with yourself. We all are individuals. We all have our personalities and own sides and interests. We all have also our negative sides and weaknesses. Concerning fetishes or kinks, don't expect another to be just as you wished for. You may have your wishes and dreams but most likely you will have to be satisfied with some things which doesn't match perfectly. Contrariwise, take things as a trip together. Get known with each others, discuss a lot and investigate your wishes.
- Don't expect a marriage - expect an interesting moment and just for one date. I had a time in my life when I felt crushed after one date and afterwards my date notified me that she wasn't interested about me. I was a fool. Back then I went out with too much wishes and hope. I wished too much from just one casual date. Maybe it made me too anxious after all. I remember when I changed my mind and started to go out more relaxed. I changed my thoughts to ones where I didn't actually expect anything else than just that one date. I went outside, met someone, had a coffee, had a relaxed good conversations about everything... After we were satisfied I took my jacket and wished my date a good night. Of course I said that I could go out again if my date would be interested too. But nothing more. Expecting nothing at all. This style was really good. I felt self-confident with myself being alone. And that actually looks really good to others around you. Finally, this style gave me few rejections, few new friends (which is a really great thing too!) and even that long-wished relationship.
- Always prepare yourself for failure - but don't see it as a bad thing. As Mythbusters (and many others before them) said: "Failure is always an option". Don't be afraid of failure. It actually may be a good option! If your dating fails at some point, for the reason of fetishes or anything else, it may feel sad but also gives you an opportunity to find someone who is better for you and more willing to be with you. Keep your head up and remain optimistic. Dating, as life itself, is purely an opportunity! And maybe there will be a time when you find someone who will appreciate you and with who you may have something really precious together!
I'm not a dating pro or "love doctor" but I really wish that these hints would help someone out there. I wish you all the best and the best of luck when dating and finding your love! <3
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